(after Horace Ode 1.30 O Venus, regina)
Venus, Muse of lovers everywhere,
why not dump the eloquent well-served south?
Join me here by the Tees’ untutored mouth.
This wrinkly writer needs your lyric care.
Bring Eros with his band and Youth: I’ve heard
that with their help I’d capture hearts and minds;
seduce the academics on the Tyne,
till they embraced me, every thought and word.